4: Almost dead Kavya
Just like every other day Sanjay came home. He dropped the emptied tiffin box in the sink and locked himself in his room. Kavya spent the evening doing the dishes. Later in the evening Sanjay left out for dinner. Kavya picked up her diary and sat to write. It was an old, red coloured, huge diary with the year 1989 written on top of it. That was the year Kavya was born. Every mom gives their kids, life. But Kavya mother gave Kavya her own life; when there was a medical complication and only one of the two could survive her mom prefered Kavya to live. From childhood Kavya had the habit of writing into the diary her mom had left behind. She wrote it whenever she missed the warmth of a mother. The last time she wrote it was when she got married to Sanjay. As she wrote the diary tears rolled down her cheek and ended in the diary. It was nothing new to the poor diary as every page of it had stains of Kavya’s tears. She wrote it only when she wanted to pour out her tears.
Why did you prefer to give birth to me than your own survival? If you were there I wouldn’t have been forced to get married at the age of 16. You would have taught me the right way to dress, the best way to impress Sanjay. I am a loser mom. When I spoke to you last time you gave me hopes that my husband, my Sanjay will like me one day. I had been waiting for that day to dawn for long with the hope of winning his heart. But after today I don’t think I have any hope left behind.
Today was just usual till the second break; I looked at him, he didn’t look at me, I kept looking at him. There was nothing else that got registered in my mind other than the number of times he adjusted his glasses, caughed or even the number of times he blinked. I did not even bother to blink. No matter how far he is, just looking at him melts the distance between us. I always imagine him being around me. I dream a lot.
Today he came to my cubicle and stood right next to me. One hand on my chair and the other on the table, disconnecting me from the outside world (as if there existed something else other than him in my world.) I lifted my head reluctantly with the widest smile possible without tearing my lips. I looked deep into his eyes. He looked into my eyes too. My windpipe was clogged, my heart forgot its purpose, I went almost brain dead. He spoke to me as he fished the deepths of my eyes. I assumed that the language he spoke in, was english. That was unimportant anyway. People noticed the romance that was going around. I said that people were looking at us. He asked me not to bother and continued talking. He expected me to respond without understanding the choas that happened inside my ribs.
Suddenly, when I was talking he said “You are so beautiful. I have fallen in love with you.” I died that very moment, except for the fact that my heart was beating and my lungs were breathing mechanically.
I should have been happy for this right, mom?I wasn’t. I would have been flying if this had happened to me, mom. The same scene happened today but I was replaced by Megha, the girl seated next to me. I saw the scene completely, I heard it all. My husband with another girl. Do you still think I have hopes? I don’t think so mom. What’s the use of living after all this mom? My Sanjay will never be mine. I wish I were Megha....”
The door bell rang. Kavya opened the door and it was Sanjay. Sanjay’s usual routine was to eat out and buy dinner for Kavya. He had bought briyani and gobi masala for dinner that day. He handed over the dinner and sat on the sofa, switching the T.V. on. Kavya sat down on the floor.
“Why are you sitting down? I am fully fed, I wont ask for a share. Sit here. He tapped the sofa space next to him and smiled. This had never happened so far. He had obvious reasons to be happy that day.
“It’s ok. I will sit down.” Kavya said looking at the food. That evening she did not look at him at all. She was in pain. The same cute smile of his that kept her alive so far was curved for another girl. She assumed that he was not happy. Looking at his face would confirm his happiness which will pain her more. So she preferred not to look at him.
Silence prevailed for some time other than the songs played in the television. She usually ate pasting him to her eyes. He knew it, he observed it. But he did not want to show that he had noted her eyeing on him, decent guy. He had already robbed her of her priviledges as a wife, he didn’t want to deprive her of the plasure of looking at him, if that was a peasure. But this time she did not look up. She did not open the gobi masala packet which she usually opened with a big smile and excitement; gobi was her favorite. Even the briyani that was opened was not eaten. She drew in the briyani and her tears decorated her food art.
Sanjay looked at Kavya for a while. Kavya did not realize this. He saw her crying and not eating.
He called her. “Kavya”
She did not respond. Not even in her dream he had called her.
“Kavya” he called again with a higer tone.
She looked at him doubtfully and again looked down. She thought it was her assumption.
“Kavya, I am calling you.” He said again.
She looked at him. Now she was sure he had called him. A million thoughts crossed her mind. ‘Why is he calling me? Will he say that this is the end and he wants to marry Megha?’ . Tears that popped up in her eyes made her thoughts obvious to him.
“Listen Kavya. Whatever you saw and heard today in your cubicle, with Megha, was not true. It wass a dare given to me as a part of Christmom-Christ child game. I heard that you said you weren’t interested in playing. If you had played you would be knowing all this. Never mind I will tell you.
You make a lot of all names of players. Every player picks a sheet of name. The picker is christmom and the name in the chit is christ child. The christmom gives a dare to the christ child till christmas without revealing his/her identity. Once all the tasks are done the christmom gifts the christchild on the day of christmas revealing his identity. You can play it too from tomorrow.” Sanjay said.
She wiped her tears left the briyani where it was and ran into her room. She locked the room and cried out fully. She picked up her diary and stuck out the last para
I should have been happy for this right,
mom?I wasn’t. I would have been flying if this had happened to me, mom. The
same scene happened today but I was replaced by Megha, the girl seated next to
me. I saw the scene completely, I heard it all. My husband with another girl.
Do you still think I have hopes? I don’t think so mom. What’s the use of living
after all this mom? My Sanjay will never be mine. I wish I were Megha....
I still have hopes mom. I have a purpose to live now, My Sanjay.”